Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A Time for Fresh Flames....


January 1, 2010       Friday        12:16 AM
Happy New Year!
January 1…… oh it sounds so fresh and new. And 2010—such a strange sound on the tongue!
The evening of December 31, 2009 our family (minus Daddy, he’s on ministry trip to Toronto) watched the movie Faith Like Potatoes. We finished about ten to midnight. I ran upstairs, put on my shoes and jacket and scarf.
I brought in the new year outside on my veranda in the dripping rain, writing the names of my characters of Tibilet on my arm, watching fireworks a quarter mile away, and cuddling my Bible under my arm.
Lately I’ve really felt a longing for my writing again, sort of the way I did near the end of the summer when I wanted so much to write but simply couldn’t before something changed either in me or my circumstances. I haven’t written again for quite some time. But not so much because of a reason like I had during the summer—rather because I’ve spent so much time on other things. Things like school. Adoria. FaceBook. Adoria. School. Facebook. BSSM parties. Etc.
You see, writing—it’s a passion of my heart. MY heart. I have no accountability. No one that’s really prodding me forward in it. Yes, my parents do very much support me in writing. I know my book writing teacher Aaron McMahon is waiting to read it (he said so). Clarice likes it and Dylana does, and countless friends of mine have said they want a copy when I publish it. But there’s nobody immediate who prods me and asks me every day, or even every week, when I will finish. When will I finish? How much did I write today? Or this week? How close to publishing am I? But the other things—school, Adoria, BSSM parties, Facebook—those are real people, real entities who want me, ask for my time, will notice my absence if I drop it. Who has noticed my absence in writing? No one. Only me and God, and my beautiful people of Tibilet who only exist in my imagination. In my spirit, at best.
I’ve ony two more chapters left to write of my first book in the series of two. I’ve already chosen a model for my book cover. I’ve even had offers from people to do my book cover design/layout. I’m only THIS far from the finish line. But those other priorities, commitments, assignments have dragged my attention away from my Tibilet. I’ve felt grieved, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Because my commitment to my people in Tibilet has been that I only write when I can focus my attention on them—not when my mind is at mostly somewhere else, chatting with a friend on Facebook, attending a BSSM party, or making supper downstairs. Or even designing a new piece for Adoria. I have to have at least a full one or two hours to be able to write with my mind focused enough to produce a meaningful story. Otherwise I could not do justice to my Tibilet. My Tibiletans deserve my full attention.
But you know how a passion inside you does. A calling, a preset destiny. It burns in there. The flame may have gone down for a few months. But the coals are alive. Waiting for the flame to be tended to again, nurtured back to the roaring flame it once was.
But I have an outside force that is on my side. I do have one. There is a reason why the coals do not, will not die.  The Holy Spirit. He hovers over the dark places, he hovers over the area that have become formless and void. He hovers there and keeps the coals alive until the moment shall come when I break through and pick up the pen once more. There is a cycle that has brought me to this point where I am right now, writing with a pen the names of Tibilet on my arm. The cycle sees the Holy Spirit hover over my void spot. My spirit within me leaps a little, and the coals get hotter. The Holy Spirit sees my spirit become alive to the feeling of that old flame, and so He breathes on that coal. At this point that vague feeling turns to a longing. I want to write. I want the passion back. I tell you, a taste of that former first love leaves you ravenous for the original thing. The Holy Spirit stirs the coals. At this point my spirit within me bursts with desire and yearning to fulfill the call inside me. “Give me again the grace to write!” I cry.
And at that point, the fire is rekindled. Oh yes, softly at first. It is gentle and pale in colour. But it is there, and it’s alive in my spirit. It is so light that all it is, is dreaming a little more of it every day. I open the folder almost daily to look at how much I’ve written. Soon I shall write again. I can feel that tiny little flame. Only a moment longer and it shall become a sturdy, crackling blaze that’ll have me finishing the book .
I have felt God telling me that whatever I set my hand to do, that he will give the grace for to prosper in that thing. I have felt torn between Adoria jewellery and my writing and creating my online business. I really do want to write, no matter what else I do.
So tonight I felt like God said he would provide an extra measure of grace for the thing that I choose to do a prophetic act on midnight. And that’s why I wrote the names of my Tibiletan people on my left arm and inside my palm, with a black pen as it struck midnight.
God said, “Crystal, I will give you the grace to do whatever you choose to do. If you choose to give yourself to Adoria and your jewellery line, I will prosper you in that. If you choose to write, I will be the one to breathe life in the books that people will want to read. If you choose to do both, I will give you the grace to do both. You can do both. Not by a stretch—you’ll have full grace to do both IF you keep your focus on me. If your perspective is in the right place, the grace will be there naturally.”
I want this year to be a year of soaring to new heights, resting in him, meditating on his word. And in the same while, be productive in my writing and my Adoria commitments. Because I will have my perspective in place. By the grace of God, I will. So God help me.